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only feel like me
with your hands around my throat
and i know how that seems
i hope you don't see
i'm unfolding
slowly, i'm hoping
to feel comfort again
to recognize my own skin
shades of green like memories from when
someone else behind it all
hiding like my eyes inside the walls
each and every blink
a peek at the end
every little mislook, a new fear of the fall
will i be awake for it
or will the sun set peacefully
as i’m drifting off to sleep
will you give me the comfort 
of knowing that it ends

sometimes, when i seek
validation and comprehension
i cannot help but think 
the search is what i depend on
it’s what’s stable when i’m not
drifting off the planes into
something like rot

i hope someday they might find me
and know exactly what went wrong
a peace after the end of it all
something i’ll never know, but spend life in hope of
it’s bitter but the taste hardly matters 
as what’s left of me is left to wither
do your best to keep me under lock and key forever
silly me, for thinking i could get better
            

scratched off, worn down to the bottom of the pen
i'm back here again.
the room with the rot in its walls, breathing
slowly but surely, seeming like the end of it all
will they remember who i was, or just what they saw
i can't keep track of it all
i swear i never asked for this, god from the machine
i'm feeling blasphemous, it isn't at all what it seems
wax wings like i'm icarus, the sea will catch me when i fall
i hope i see you there, at the end of it all, like i do in my dreams
unflinching in my conviction, unwavering,
daring all the steps to just fall from beneath
i've got to see if i can handle things on my own
when i stumble and fall, nobody help me up, on my own
its how i started and i swear that's how it ends
alone in all my thoughts, without a scar on my wrists
but plenty on my hands from where i tried to hold on 
hazelnut branches turn from brittle to dust
scratching my throat from the rust, i swear i'll shut this machine down
i left it abandoned, because i knew it was meant for failure, it can sleep now
a reflection of myself.
            

i saw you in a dream i had
where everything made sense for once
i could look into the mirror
and see myself for who i was 
i've been oversharing to some strangers
people that i'd never meet
but i like how it seems.